Those who claim the name of Christ are being watched ALL the time by the urban young people they are leading. Especially those of us who have the title of “leader” must be aware that every person in our ministry is a role model (called “exemplars” in the Indigenous Leadership Research Project) all the time.

Exemplars can come in all kinds of shapes and sizes; from acquaintances, to friends, to the building janitor, to the bus driver, to the hostess of the house where your outreach meeting meets.  We know from our research that each ministry member that comes in contact with an urban young person sets either a positive or negative example of what a Christ follower should be.

We found from interviewing the 81 young leaders that as they grew in their relationship with Christ the influence of exemplars (even family members!) decreased over time BUT the influence of mentors (a significant other who guides the youth intentionally toward Christ) increased over time.

In the early stages of a young person coming to Christ role models and family members carried a strong sway.  But as the youth developed in their relationship in Christ, the influence of friends and family diminished and the influence of their mentor strengthened. In fact, as a young person grew in their faith, the only relationship that grew stronger in influence was that of their mentor.

Knowing that every relationship in the neighborhood is built on trusting human connections, the young growing believer and the mentor committed to spend purposeful time together mutually investing in each other’s life and faith. The more time the young believer spent with the mentor, the more radical life change occurred.

Questions for you to consider:

• Intentionally train your volunteers, young people and staff to embrace the idea that they are influencers all the time.  Your team should understand the implications of this research.  When youth experience a group of people who are “positively different and loving” compared to other relationships in their lives, they are influences to make a first time decision for Christ. 

• Help your team understand the important difference between a role model (exemplar) and a mentor.  According to our research, role models can help lead people to Christ, but it is actually mentors who help urban youth grow spiritually once they have received Christ’s forgiveness.  This suggests that ministry programs that lack mentorship will have urban youth who will likely make a first time decisions for Christ, but will fail to grow into lifelong followers of Christ.  Being a good example to urban youth at a ministry program is an insufficient level of influence to help those youth make long-term spiritual decisions in their lives.  Urban youth MUST be mentored relationally in order to grow spiritually. 

• Develop a plan to help urban youth be intentionally mentored by a more mature Christian.  Don’t just hope that mentoring relationships will naturally appear on their own without some orchestration from you.  Be intentional about naturally transitioning urban youth into mentorship relationships with mature Christians.  Have this element of your ministry be a regular part of your ministry team meetings and strategy. 

• Don’t let up on mentorship.  Since we now know that excellent Christian mentorship is the key element of raising indigenous leaders, don’t get distracted by the other elements of your ministry program.  Club, camp, prayer and bible studies are all important elements of a thriving urban youth ministry, but make sure that Christian mentorship is foundational within each of these elements!

What about you? 

What have you done to help your ministry team understand their role as exemplars?

What has worked well to help them be the best influencers for Christ they can be?

What methods or tools have you used to train your team in building trusting relationships with young people?

Have you been intentional in your training or have you just trusted that they would learn to develop relationships on their own?

How are you training your team to mentor young people? What tools are you using? Do you meet regularly with them for development in this area?
In what ways can Ephesians 4. 11-13 be applied to this discussion?

What thoughts or comments can you add to this portion of the conversation?

Last week  we covered a first set of practical suggestions on how you can help urban youth turn negative life experiences into positive ones.  This week, we will give you some ideas for your ministry team and your ministry program to reinforce these ideas.

• Equip your young people through relationships to embrace and build on negative catalytic events rather than to avoid them. Traditional leadership development programs are often not sufficient to equip a young person to turn negative life experiences into positive life experiences. Though these programs have their place in the development of young leaders it is through a trust relationship with a mentor or trusted spiritually mature person that life shaping principles are grasped and then lived out.

• Be intentional in your programming to share stories of Biblical characters who turned “dung into fertilizer” and grew an incredible spiritual crop out of pain or injustice. Whether the experience was their fault or someone else’s fault they can turn sorrow into joy. Read with them the stories of Old Testament and New Testament characters who, when confronted with a catalytic life experience, made the right choice to trust God rather than their feelings or their street smarts. When these characters trusted the Lord or followed the counsel of the Bible, though life may have not gotten easier, they grew into men or women of God and were better for the struggle. (To help you with this process, the National City Life Team will be making available 28 new City Life Bible studies, “Flipped”-Turning Negative Life Experiences into Positive Life Experiences,” in the Fall of 2012).

• Young people need to see that pruning is the Lord’s process of shaping them into the likeness of His Son which is the goal of their faith (Ephesians 4:13).  Their Lord will prune their life of the negative habits, attitudes, thoughts and actions that are either slowing them down or halting their maturity in Christ (John 15:1-4). Youth need to be reminded by you and your leadership team that “working through their stuff” is normal for the Christian who is moving from spiritual immaturity to maturity. They are not failures when they sin.  Instead, remind them often to thank God for His forgiveness and then seek the advice of their mentor about how best to overcome their sin habits.

• Train your staff and volunteers to make spiritual and relational investments into the life of the young person during their season of struggle. Stay with the young person and don’t abandon them during this time of struggle. If your young people are to move from spiritual growth to ministry leadership they must have the equipment to embrace and then build on negative catalytic life experiences.

What about you? 

What Biblical characters or passages do you share regularly with an urban young person who is struggling through a negative life experience?

What tools have you found helpful in equipping your staff and volunteers to empower young people through catalytic life experiences?

What thoughts or comments would you like to add to this conversation?

Isn’t it true that many urban young people have never learned how to face the hard things in life?  In fact, many have lived in avoidance and escapism through drugs, sex, materialism, etc.  For a young person to move from the growth stage into the ministry stage we must help them grab hold of the truth that they must go through the pain of their “catalytic life experience,” if they are to become all that the Lord dreams for them.

When we interviewed 81 young urban leaders we discovered that young people’s development in the Lord was actually enhanced by experiencing the consequences and pain of their sin or the sin of others. 

We must cease trying to protect young people from “negative catalytic life experiences” but prepare them to overcome these potentially life altering events and decisions. It’s usually not the “mistake” that causes them further pain but their reaction to that initial mistake.  We must give our young people the life skills to face the challenges they encounter rather than enabling them to avoid pain at all costs.

Jesus reminds his disciples and we must remind ours as well, “In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”  (John 16:33 MSG).

Here is the first set of practical suggestions to help you impart this research finding into your ministry:

• Be careful to not give the impression that walking with Christ is easy. Instead, young people must: “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.” 1 Peter 4:8

• From the beginning, help youth understand that bumps in the road are created to strengthen their faith, not to trip them up. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  James 1:2-3

• Be open with your own life’s failures and successes. I have discovered that urban young people learn best from my failures rather than my victories. Share your stories of failure and see them grow encouraged that they too can grow stronger from their failures and overcome them just like you have. 

• Don’t just share stories from your past, either.  Our interviewees frequently mentioned that they valued hearing current stories of spiritual struggle from their mentors. 

We will have more suggestions next week for your ministry team and program.  Until then....share with us!
How have you equipped your young people to turn negative life experiences into positives?
What thoughts or comments would you like to add to this conversation?

Let’s pause and quickly review the 6 major findings of our research:

1. The strength of Youth for Christ’s “relational domain” was affirmed-in the neighborhood everything relies on the foundation of building a trusting relationship with an urban youth.
2. In order to become a Christian leader, an urban young person must possess the ability to turn a negative life experience into a positive life experience.
3. Role models serve a large purpose in the early stages of a young person’s walk with Christ, but are later supplanted in importance by mentors (an adult who guides the youth regularly and intentionally) as the young person grows in his/her relationship with Christ.
4. Three factors grow in influence in the life of an urban young person who is moving from growth to ministry:

a). Mentors: The growing influence of a mentor on the life of this developing young leader. A mentor is a trusted, more mature spiritual person who is developing an intentional relationship with the youth. Through the relational influence of the Word and prayer this mentor is intentionally investing in and guiding the young person toward the things of Christ.
b). Leadership Opportunities: As a young person is invited to take on leadership opportunities they impact the young person towards believing that they DO have positive gifts, abilities and talents to contribute to the world.
c). Internal Motivation: The young person transfers the ownership of their spiritual walk from relational dependence on another person to a personal dependence on Christ through their own convictions, prayer and the Word.

5. There is a dramatic rise in internal motivation as a young person moves from spiritual growth into Christian ministry.
6. The relational and spiritual/moral domain (hyperlink to City Life white paper) draws urban youth forward in their spiritual growth, the other holistic domains (educational, civic, health and safety, economic literacy) can play a significant role in providing road blocks to spiritual growth.

Here are some questions for you to consider with your ministry team before we unpack the practical ministry implications for each of the six findings:

1. Are you building your City Life ministry towards a program focused model or towards a relationship focused model? How can you know the difference?
2. How intentional are you in equipping young people to be able to handle the negative life experiences in their world rather than completely avoid them? Are you intentionally equipping your staff and volunteers to assist young people in this area?
3. Does everyone in your ministry know and understand that they are “role models” being watched to see if they are serious about their relationship with Christ?
4. Are you developing your staff and volunteers into effective, Biblically based mentors?

From our previous blog you will recall the first 3 findings from our raising indigenous leaders’ research project:

1. The strength of Youth for Christ’s City Life relational domain was affirmed-in the neighborhood everything relies on the foundation of building a trusting relationship with an urban youth.

2. In order to become a Christian leader, an urban young person must possess the ability to turn a negative life experience into a positive life experience.

3. Role models serve a large purpose, in the early stages of a young person’s walk with Christ, but are later supplanted in importance by mentors (an adult who guides they youth regularly and intentionally) as the young person grows in his/her relationship with Christ.

The fourth key finding of our study showed that three significant factors rose in influence in the life of a young person as they moved from simply “growing spiritually” towards a more meaningful involvement in Christian ministry. Those factors are: mentors, access and invitations to leadership opportunities and their own internal motivations.

• Mentors, are adults who are intentionally guiding the young person, take on a growing role in influencing and leading this youth toward Biblically based decisions (spiritual domain).
• Inviting urban youth to participate in leadership experiences/opportunities swayed those young people towards a growing confidence in their gifts, abilities and purpose in life. As they were invited to lead, they began to believe that they could make a positive impact in the world with their life.
• As the young urban leader was coached and grew a personal ownership of their faith they were not so easily influenced by others. They showed more of a personal dependence on Christ through their convictions, prayer and the Word rather than a relational dependence on other people (even their mentors!).

The fifth key finding of our research was focused in on that dramatic rise in the urban young person’s internal motivation as they move from spiritual growth into serving ministry. Urban youth demonstrated that they wished to take on more personal ownership of their faith in Christ as seen by their desire to find life’s answers in the Word of God over the voices of the streets or even those spiritually immature relationships around them.

Finally, our sixth key research finding was this: While the relational and spiritual/moral domain draws urban youth forward in their spiritual growth, the other holistic domains (educational, civic, health and safety, economic literacy) can play a significant role in providing road blocks to spiritual growth. For example, an urban youth who drops out of school might be significantly negatively affected in their spiritual life because of this roadblock (i.e. they have more free time to get into trouble).

After interviewing 81 young indigenous leaders from across the country our team discovered six insights. We understand that as we and others dig into the material more findings may emerge. But today we want to discuss the first three of six trends for raising indigenous leaders that “jumped out” to us. (In later blogs we will break down each of these six finding and suggest some practical implications for you and your ministry.)

Firstly, the emphasis of City Life’s “relational domain” has been affirmed. In the past, City Life national leaders and staff had observe anecdotally that if City Life staff or volunteers were going to be invited into the life of an urban young person there had to be a strong foundation of a trusting relationship between that young person and the City Life adult-that’s what we can call the “relational domain.” (You can read more about City Life’s relational domain here-City Life White Paper). Because of the research project we now have hard data to show that these observations were correct. Relationship indicators were the number one influence on an urban youth developing into a leader for Christ. Everything in the neighborhood is built around trust and relationship. The research told us that an urban young person must know that ministry site leadership can be trusted before they will allow them deeper influence in their life.

Our second major finding from the research was that “an urban young person, in order to move toward maturity in Christ and leadership, must possess the skill and ability to turn a negative life experience into a positive life experience. The research told us that urban youth must be able to take a traumatic negative event in their life and turn it into a positive life shaping event rather than allowing that negative event to trip them up and move them toward destructive life decisions.

Thirdly, we found that exemplars, in a young person’s initial stages of their walk with Christ, are supplanted by Mentors in later growth phases of a young person’s spiritual development. An exemplar can be anyone who attracted and drew the young people into a particular ministry or a relationship with God. These exemplars could be friends, family members, janitors, secretaries, coaches, tutors, etc. A mentor is someone who has a more specific, regular relationship with an urban youth. The majority of our 81 interviewees identified that they were drawn into a relationship with Christ because of an exemplar, but grew in their relationship with Christ because of a mentor. The research has told us that it becomes important that everyone in the ministry (paid staff, volunteers and the urban youth themselves) understand that they are being watched and their actions and words carry weight to observant urban young people. As the young person grows in his relationship with Christ these exemplars lose influence and a mentor or “significant other who guides spiritually” supplants the influence of the exemplars.

Youth for Christ (Dr. Dave Rahn), Fuller Seminary Youth Institute (Dr. Kara Powell), the DeVos Urban Leadership Initiative (Eileen Koorman) and other YFC national staff interviewed 81 young urban leaders from every region of the country to begin shedding light on the following questions:

What REALLY works in developing leaders fro urban youth?

What do URBAN LEADERS say worked and didn’t work in moving them toward maturity in Christ?

The criterion to select these candidates to interview was very specific. We looked to interview anyone who

• Was 18 years or older;
• Was perceived to have a vibrant walk with Christ;
• Had a current, active role (paid or unpaid) working to seek the Christian spiritual development (evangelism and discipleship) of youth or adults in their urban community;
• Was involved in Relational Ministry as opposed to Programmatic Ministry. While participation in a program can be a part of an overarching relational ministry strategy, the indigenous urban leader we are seeking to learn from should be pursuing a ministry model that seeks to relationally influence others with the love of Christ. This ministry approach is both incarnational and service-oriented, reflecting a personal ministry life style that goes beyond the activities of any particular program;
• Was raised in an urban community and is currently doing relational ministry within an urban community.

The indigenous urban leaders we sought to learn from had to be pursuing a ministry model that was seeking to relationally influence others with the love of Christ. The research team wanted to understand what factors contributed to an urban leader developing a personal ministry lifestyle that went beyond the activities of any particular program.

In the following weeks our intent is that this blog will shed practical light on both the practical insights from this research and the challenges of raising up indigenous leaders. We hope that this blog will become a launching pad for more conversation and input from those who are “on the frontlines” in raising up indigenous leaders in America’s urban setting. We invite you to ask questions, make comments and tell your story of raising leaders from urban youth through your comments to these discussions.

Relationship Building Skill #1 – Shifting From Lectures to Listening
Urban youth will build trusting relationships with people who make an intentional effort to understand them.  Understanding comes through patient listening.  Giving advice and biblical instruction are important elements of the urban youth minister’s role, but they should be done AFTER significant listening to urban youth.

Relationship Building Skill #2 – Becoming a Cultural Expert
Learning about an urban youth’s culture will help you build deep and trusting relationships with urban youth.  Your growing knowledge and understanding of their culture will help you discern between moral issues and cultural preferences.  Knowing about their culture will also help you develop patience, love and appreciation for many of the cultural components that are different from your own culture.

Relationship Building Skill #3 – Becoming the Relationship Initiator
We can’t wait for urban youth to want to talk to us, we must be the ones to seek youth out in relationship.  Armed with cultural understanding and a positive, prayerful and patient approach, we can gradually build relationships with youth who were once strangers to us.

Relationship Building Skill #4 – Investing Relational Time Outside of Programs
Faithful urban youth ministry is built on a foundation of loving and trusting relationships.  These types of in depth relationships can’t be built in just 2 hours a week at a Bible study with 30 other students.  We need to invest time in the lives of urban youth outside of programs by getting into their world and inviting them into our world.

Relationship Building Skill #5 – Adjusting Your Relationship Expectations
Often, our relational expectations can prevent us from seeing the spiritual and emotional growth in the lives of the urban youth we are in relationship with.  When we take the time to prayerfully consider the starting point of our urban youth and can acknowledge positive steps of growth, we build relationships with urban youth that are built on encouragement rather than disappointment.

Relationship Building Skill #6 – Learning to Apologize
As we develop deep relationships with urban youth, we will make mistakes.  When these mistakes are pointed out by the Lord or by the urban youth themselves, we should be quick to apologize and take responsibility for our actions.  We can trust God when we apologize to urban youth, knowing that he is using us as an example of Godly relating in the lives of urban youth.

What would it look like if you built a year's worth of training your volunteer team around these skills? 

Them:  That was wrong at you to lose your cool at the new kid.  And you said you were a Christian! (Raising their voice.)
You:  I didn’t lose my cool!  That new kid was acting outrageously and needed to act like an adult and get his behavior under control.
Them:  I guess that acting like an adult is yelling.   You always tell me I’m wrong when I get angry.  I could see it on your face that you were mad.  He probably won’t ever want to come back now because of you.
You:  Well, this is different.  Someone has to control the behavior around here.

Now, the same situation, only now you have a heart that is ready to be taught by the urban youth you are trying to lead:

Them:  That was wrong at you to lose your cool at the new kid.  And you said you were a Christian! (Raising their voice.)
You:  Did I lose my cool?
Them:  Yes!  Your face was all mad and you yelled at him.  Whenever I yell, you tell me that it’s wrong.
You:  You’re right.  I do say that to you.  Just felt like he wouldn’t listen to me unless I yelled.
Them:  Well you are always telling me to think about my feelings and why I am mad and that there has to be another way to communicate besides yelling.  Maybe you should have done that, instead.
You:  Wow.  You have been listening to what I have been saying.  I guess I need to listen to myself.  Thanks for pointing this out to me.  Do you think I should apologize to him?
Them:  Definitely.  He might never come back otherwise.
You:  Alright, I’ll see if I can catch up to him.

Sometimes, in our relationship with the Lord, we will be lead to apologize to an urban youth even though they aren’t aware that we have been sinning against them in our hearts and mind.  This step of confession and repentance is also important in building the love/trust dynamic in our relationships.  It communicates 1) that you were thinking about the urban youth when you were away from them, 2) you were willing to reveal something that you could have kept secret and 3) your apology proves your desire to continue to improve the relationship with the urban youth.

Apologies provide a critical learning by example experience for the urban youth.  You mostly like often are confronting them with spiritual truth and wanting them to repent and apologize for their action.  We often desire that they perform this behavior when they have never seen it modeled in their own life!  God, in His grace, often allows us to be the models of this behavior so they can walk in our footsteps.  Bottom line, if we don’t apologize to our students when we fall into sin, chances are – they won’t learn to do this either.

Matthew 10:24
A student is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master.

What about you?  Have you expereinced a confrontation with an urban youth that has actually improved your relationship with them?  Share your story...

By far, learning to apologize to urban youth is the scariest relational skill of them all.  When we apologize to someone, we can feel that it puts the other person in power or control over us.  We can apologize and take responsibility for our actions, but the fear can be:  What if they don’t own up to their mistakes?  What if they think that because I apologized, they think this conflict is entirely my fault?

Apologizing to someone we trust can be extremely difficult.  Because of our fallen nature, it is hard for us to see where we have done wrong and how we contributed to a relational rift.  Apologizing to someone we don’t yet trust to have a Godly response is even more difficult.  We fear that they will use our apology against us, and that our repentance could prevent the urban youth from owning their part in the issue. 

Yet in the world of urban ministry, where the main commodity is trust and love, apologies are like gold.  Authentic apologies demonstrate our commitment to stay in relationship with the urban youth at any cost to our pride.  They also demonstrate to the urban youth how to take ownership for mistakes within a relationship – most likely in ways they have never seen before.

One of the most difficult ways that an apology needs to come about is when an urban youth confronts us with one of OUR sin issues!  Often, the urban youth will confront us in anger or in unloving ways about our behavior.  As a conversation unfolds where an urban teen is pointing out your fault of having a short temper, you could be sitting there thinking:  The gall of this kid!   Pointing out my anger when they have so many issues and are so much more hotheaded than me.  Or you take it for what it is, God using an urban kid to point you to excel still more in His love!

1 Corinthians 1:26-29
Brothers, think of what you were when you were called.  Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth.  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.

What about you?  Have you needed to apologize to one of your urban youth?  How did it go?  Share your story...

A harsh and critical spirit that continually focuses on what is lacking in the spiritual lives of urban youth not only creates a negative relationship position with the youth we are trying to influence, it can also severely effect OUR relationship with God in negative ways.  As we come to Him in prayer for the spiritual growth of the urban youth, yet we only focus on what He “isn’t changing” in their lives, we can become discouraged and disheartened!  We can become unsure about our call to urban ministry, but we can sometimes either 1) become a poor judge of the urban youth’s desire to grow spiritually because we are so focused on the negative or 2) mistrusting the power of his Holy Spirit to work in the lives of those around us because we are so unwilling to see the incremental steps of change.

Often when we have a negative view of our urban youth ministry or the spiritual growth of our students, the problem isn’t with them, it’s with us!  Our negative view of students and perpetuate a negative relationship with them.  When our relationship with the student is a series of lectures and admonitions with very little encouragement mixed in, the youth won’t want to listen to what we have to say. 

This negative relating dynamic is something we have significant control over – and it starts with us getting the reigns on our negative point of view and asking God to change our hearts towards the urban youth.  You might even try praying:

• Even with all negative relating swirling around this young person – Lord, help me see the positive in them! 
• Help me see the positive steps of growth this young person is taking! 
• Help me see the students with your eyes instead of mine.

Taking time to specifically pray for and thank God for the spiritual steps you see in the lives of urban youth will be a key element for longevity in urban youth ministry.  If you aren’t able to wrestle down your own expectations for quick spiritual growth in the lives of urban youth – you will most likely become discouraged and quit.  (or become a negative relator that the teens will tend to avoid).

Spending time with the Lord to pray about specific urban youth and allowing the Lord to speak to you and correct you on your point of view and priorities for a young person is tough.  Like Jacob wrestling with and angel of the Lord, it is hard sometime to yield to God’s direction in our life instead of demanding that the Lord get on board with our discipleship plan for a particular urban youth.

What about you?  Have you expereinced a pattern of negative relating with urban youth only to have your attitude corrected through prayer?  Share your story...

Keisha:  Hey, I wanted to let you know that I didn’t smoke weed and went to school two days last week. 
You: Wow! I am really so proud of you for taking those steps of faith to not smoke weed for two whole days. That really shows growth in maturity and discipline on your part.  How do you feel about it?
Keisha:  I was really tired, but I kinda felt good you know, like I accomplished something.
You:  And you should!  This is a big lifestyle shift for you, I’m sure it won’t be easy.  I also appreciate the fact that you didn’t lie to me about the other 5 days you did smoke week.  When you smoked week for those 5 days, how did that feel compared to the other days of not smoking weed?
Keisha:  You know, the other days were “harder” because I wasn’t smoking weed, but I liked those days better.  You know how we were talking about conviction from the Holy Spirit?  I felt kinda mad at myself that I didn’t follow through on all of the days.
You: I’m really excited for you – I know that if you trusted God with 2 days, I know you are going to keep growing and eventually trust Him with all seven days.  That is really exciting that you didn’t like the other days as much.  Do you think that means you are ready for an even bigger change?  How can I support you in that?
Keisha:  Well, one of the things I am really struggling with is my friends that are skipping school with me.  I don’t want to abandon them, but I want to go to start going back to school.  I don’t know how to tell them I want a different life and not make them feel bad for the choices they are making.  What should I say to them?

Why would I consider this is a more positive response to Keisha's behavior*.  Let's ask some questions and discover why.

Where is Your Focus?

• Lecture or Listening:  Listening. You were willing to take the time to listen to Keisha and uncover how she felt about herself on both the weed smoking days and the non-weed smoking days.  While you listened, you uncovered something very important.  Keisha already felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit on the days that she smoked weed.  Even though you know that Keisha is in danger of failing out of school and are concerned about her addiction to weed, you are also aware if Keisha is motivated from her own personal conviction to go back to school, you know the change will be real and will last.
• Positive Growth or What’s Left to Go?  Positive growth.  You understand how hard it is to break a long-term habit.  You’ve imagined what it is like for Keisha to break this habit of something she has done every day, multiple times a day for years.  It would be like you not to brush your teeth for two days – it would be so hard and feel so bad.  You would be waiting for the moment you could brush your teeth and feel better again!  Your willingness to encourage Keisha and see positive steps in the midst of her addictive behavior brought down her wall of needing to be accepted by you.  She is ready to ask you for help and advice.  In the conversation you acknowledged both past and present steps of growth.   You also predicted future growth of the steps she will take.
• Youth’s response?  Keisha feels affirmed and supported.  She knows that she needs to continue to pursue a complete cessation of smoking weed and work harder at attending school every day, but she also knows that she won’t have to figure it out by herself.  She sees herself in a more positive light, taking steps towards maturity.

What about you?  Have you ever taken this type of approach with urban youth?  I know when I have, it has always worked better to draw the studen closer in relationship with me and ultimately to Christ!  Share your story below...

*For the purposes of this blog entry, the response to Keisha is a bit simplistic.  Youth with drug addictions and serious educational issues need special attention and prayer that can't occur in just a single short conversation.

Keisha:  Hey, I wanted to let you know that I didn’t smoke weed and went to school two days last week. 
You:   Well, I’m glad you had two days without weed.  That’s really good.  But what about the rest of your days going up in smoke?  Each day you smoke per week, you aren’t representing Christ and getting further behind on school. You really should think about how if you don’t stop now, it’s really going to take a toll on your future. 
Keisha:  I want to do better, I really do.
You:  Well, you have to do more than want it; you have to really want to change.
Keisha:  I know, I know! (Annoyed, sighs.)

Why would I consider this a negative response to the youth even though you have told the truth and addressed Keisha's behavior issues?  Let's ask a few questions to discover why.

Where is Your Focus?

• Lecture or Listening?  Lecture.  You jumped right in with advice without listening to how Keisha feels about the changes she is making.  Was it hard for her?  Does she want to do more?  Did she like how it felt?  Does she want to go back to school?  You’re admonishments, while true and valid, communicated to Keisha that her two successes were not good enough for you.  She needs to do better.
• Positive Growth or What’s Left to Go?  What’s left to go.  By your choice of words, you acknowledge her two days as positive steps, but you focused the majority of the conversation on what’s left to go.  This communicates to Keisha that she would need to keep improving before you would view her as succeeding.
• Youth’s response?  Keisha feels condemned, while she wants to do better, she knows she has still let you down.  She wants to change, but feels like she can’t change fast enough for your acceptance.  For some reason, and Keisha can’t figure it out, this isn’t really motivating to her.  She wants to please you, but she feels left alone to figure out how to completely quit weed and go to school everyday in a week.  Something she hasn’t done in years.

What about you?  Have you ever taken this faulty approach with urban youth?  I know I sure have!  Share your story below...

Keisha has had a deeply ingrained habit of weed smoking and has been smoking every day since she was 13 years old.  Now 16, Keisha has received Christ’s forgiveness 6 months ago and is attending City Life Club and Bible study.  She has told you that she believes that her smoking weed is negatively affecting her life and she wishes she could stop.

She informs you that she didn’t smoke weed 2 days of the previous week and attended school both of those days.

What do you do?? What do you say??  In the next couple of weeks we will be unfolding both a negative reaction you could make to Keisha's behavior and a positive reaction.  I'd love to read your thoughts....

You:  What happened in there? 
Micah:  Nothing.
You:  It didn’t seem like nothing.  All I saw was that the potato chips were gone and you got very angry.  That’s becoming less and less like you to become angry over a little thing like chips.  What’s really going on?
Micah:  I’m hungry, okay!?  We don’t have any food in our house.  And he’s selfish – he took the last of what there was to eat!
 You:  You know what, I’m sitting here and I know you’re mad, but I can’t help but be a little proud of you right now.  You didn’t hit that boy, even though you were mad and hungry.  You didn’t leave bible study; you came out on the front porch.  You are able to say to me what made you upset.  While I see there are some next steps of working on some of that anger that drives you…I can see already how you are growing in this area to deal more responsibly when someone tempts you to be upset.  Can you see how far you have come in the last year?
Micah:  No! (Still angry.)  I don’t want to think about last year, I’m thinking about chips!
You:  How about I look in the kitchen real quick for something else for you to snack on and we can figure out a plan to get you back in room – maybe, just maybe even apologizing to the new guy for losing your cool? 
Micah:  No way!  I’m not apologizing to him.
You:  I’m guessing that new kid didn’t know how hungry you really are or that you had no food in your house – even if he was being selfish by taking the last of the chips and we can talk to him about that, too.  I think you have the opportunity to be the leader here and teach him about acceptable behavior in our group.  What do you think?
Micah:  Maybe.  Okay. (Shrugs.)  Can you get me some pop, too?

Why would I consider this is a more positive response to Micah's behavior.  Let's ask some questions and discover why.

• Are you lecturing or listening?  You are listening.  You knew Micah well enough that he still gets in fights, but that this incident seemed strange.  You were willing to take the time to listen to him and trust his point of view of what made him upset and lose his cool with the new kid.  Even though you know that getting angry over chips is silly, you are also aware that being hungry can drive us to have emotional reactions over seemingly small incidents like it did with Micah.  
• Are you focusing on positive growth or what’s left to go?  Positive growth.  You are deeply impressed that Micah is making these changes in his life without the indwelling help of the Holy Spirit.  Your willingness to encourage Micah and see positive steps in the midst of his bad behavior brought down Micah’s wall of defensiveness and he became willing to work together with you to resolve the issue.  In the conversation you acknowledged both past and present steps of growth.
• Therefore, what is the youth’s response?  Despite his misbehavior, Micah feels affirmed and supported.  He knows that he needs to apologize to the new student for losing his cool, but he also knows that he won’t have to figure it out by himself.  He sees himself in a more positive light, taking steps towards maturity.  Micah also knows that you will speak to the other boy about taking the last of the chips when there were still other boys who haven’t eaten yet.  This deepens his trust in you that you don’t play favorites – that you want the group to all work together on the “stuff” in their life.

What about you?  Have you ever taken this type of approach with urban youth?  I know when I have, it has always worked better to draw the studen closer in relationship with me and ultimately to Christ!  Share your story below...

You:  Micah, you completely lost your cool in there!  I can’t believe you got that mad over chips!
Micah:  (Defensive) But he was the one that was being selfish and took the last of the chips!
You:  (You’re angry, but trying to control your voice) He is the new kid, let him take the last of the chips!  What’s the big deal?  You have been coming around way too long to be acting like this.
Micah:  (Stands up) I have been coming around here way too long.  (Walks off front porch.)
You:  (Calling after him) Well, come back to bible study when you are ready to apologize!

Why would I consider this a negative response to the youth even though you have told the truth and addressed Micah's behavior issues?  Let's ask a few questions to discover why.

Where is Your Focus:

• Is it on Lecture or Listening?  Lecture.  You are ready to call Micah out on his bad behavior before you tried to understand his point of view of the incident.  Micah sees you taking the other boy’s side.  This immediately put Micah on the defense to point fingers at the other boy’s behavior.  Micah’s defensiveness angered you all the more, and you expressed your frustration and disappointment with him.  Your negative emotions (even though it wasn’t what you were saying) were a clue to Micah, “I’m not wanted here.”
• Is it on Positive Growth or What’s Left to Go?  What’s left to go.  The conversation didn’t acknowledge any positive steps that Micah has made thus far in the area of handling conflict
• Therefore, what is the youth’s response?  Micah feels condemned, angry with the new kid and now angry with you.  He feels left alone to figure out how to apologize when he feels it the other student’s fault for being selfish by taking all of the chips.

What about you?  Have you ever taken this faulty approach with urban youth?  I know I sure have!  Share your story below...

A situation unfolds at bible study where another male student take the last of the potato chips right before Micah gets some and verbal argument breaks out.  Micah gets in the other boy’s face, throws around some obscenities and turns on his heel and walks out the front door.  You find Micah on the front porch – steaming mad with his head in his hands. 

What do you do??  In the next couple of weeks we will be unfolding both a negative reaction you could make to Micah's behavior and a positive reaction.  I'd love to read your thoughts....

Many of the un-churched youth we work with in the city are often biblically illiterate.  They will need time investment for significant spiritual training and influence. This can only happen over a number of teaching times per week over a period of years. We often get discouraged when an urban teen doesn’t change their life significantly in just one year of us knowing them.

Consider Jesus’ relationship with the disciples. Jesus invited them to live with him for three years from the beginning of his ministry until his death on the cross and resurrection.  They heard his teachings day-in and day-out, saw Jesus do amazing miracles and even performed miracles themselves.  Then in Mark 14, the disciples demonstrate their true maturity:

• Judas Betrays Jesus (v20)
• Disciples fall asleep 2 times during Jesus’ time of greatest need (v. 32-42)
• Peter cuts off an ear of a soldier (v 47)
• John runs away for fear of arrest (v 51-52)
• Peter disowns Jesus three times (v 66-72)
• The disciples scatter and leave Jesus to face trail alone

Most of our urban youth don’t have the same social or spiritual starting point as the disciples did, nor the same level of investment from us that Jesus poured into the disciples!  Yet because of our expectations, we can quickly become saddened by the choices a young urban believer makes even after 6 months of attending a bible study we are hosting once a week!

We need to keep these types of examples in our mind and hearts as we begin to influence urban youth spiritually.  This doesn’t mean we change scripture to make exceptions for urban youth to be in leadership or excuse their sin.  Instead, we need to have a stronger understanding of the spiritual starting point of our urban youth and how much relational time and effort it might take to develop them into leaders for their community.

Our anecdotal findings suggest that it may take spending 10-12 hours per week for 7-10 years with an urban youth before they might be faithfully living out the characteristics of a relational spiritual leader and Christian servant.
While the task before us might seem daunting, the fruit is so worthwhile!  When you invest this significantly in the lives of urban youth, they become like family to you – much like Paul felt about the Thessalonians. 

1 Thessalonians 2:8
We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.

What about you?  How have you had to adjust your expectations in order to build long term relationships in urban youth ministry? 

When I first came to a Youth for Christ "See the Story" tour at the City Life Center, a volunteer said "...and if you're not careful, you'll fall in love with these kids." Maybe her, I thought. I'm still working on loving my own kids. But I'll give Youth for Christ a shot.
 
One of the first times I met with Arch, Dave, Gabe and John, I asked about their families. John said, "I don't really have a dad." To which Arch answered, "Who does?" And my heart broke. Arch's dad is in prison; Dave's and John's live outside the state but never see or write them. Gabe is the only one with both parents at home. That's about the ratio for all the YFC junior high boys.
 
Something about Arch caught my attention. Maybe he tried a little harder in Bible study. When Steve Knotts (City Life Staff) encouraged us to get together with the kids outside Club night to build relationships (which is where it all starts when you're trying to shine God's light into lives), I prayed that God would open a door for me and Arch. He did. He had Arch ask me if we could hang out some day.
 
Thus started a relationship with a bright young guy who at 13 is the "man" of the house and who watches his three younger siblings when his mom sometimes has work cleaning houses. He is often my fourth child on family outings, and he plays big brother to my 6-year-old son well. At JV Club, he brings and reads his 1-Minute Bible, consistently "beats" the other guys in our question-and-answer contest for prizes like M&Ms or Snickers. I wondered if it was right to offer candy as incentives to get kids to read Bibles. I decided it was OK when I saw the winners split their prizes with others without being asked. Arch always keeps an extra for his Mom.
 
Once I was playing music at the Xenos Sunday service near where the boys live. I offhandedly mentioned to Arch that he ought to come hear us. I was surprised when in he walked with his Mom and siblings. That's when I realized that he's really listening to me. I'm no longer just a volunteer, but a steward of a relationship. He gave me his trust. Will I fail him like other men in his life? Pray that I do not. Pray that he continue to open his heart to God, and lead in his family, in our club, in his neighborhood. He will need lots of prayer; I see the pull of the world on him now. At 13 it's still OK to go to City Life Center. Not long from now, it may not be "cool." He will have to choose between God and the world.
 
There are cool things happening with Dave and John too. Dave frustrates me because he is easily distracted. But when I least expect it he is other-focused and really surprises me. Like remembering that my uncle was ill and asking how he's doing. What junior high boy remembers someone's uncle? John has a great mind. He doesn't even read his Bible, but wins nearly as much candy as Arch. God gave John keen intellect and good discernment. Pray that he can use these gifts for God. Gabe, well... he keeps us laughing. I once asked where Joseph in the Bible was a slave, and hinted that the country was currently in the news, to which Gabe shouted "Afghanistan!" Please pray that he pays closer attention.
 
In the winter I took the boys sledding. The hill was full of daring kids and a few brave adults. Everyone shared sleds (the other guy's sled always seems more fun). I am 48 and not as spry as I used to be, but I mustered the courage to slide down the hill. My first run was quickly stopped short by 90 pounds of 12-year-old who didn't see me. He bounced; me not so much. I limped back up the hill, wiping a bloody nose, seeing through watery eyes the joy on their faces, hearing their laughter as they swooshed down the hill. In the midst of my momentary light affliction, it occurred to me that the YFC volunteer was right. If you're not careful, you will fall in love with these kids.
 
Risking being wounded again, I committed myself to my sled and plunged down the hill after them.
 
Dave Biros, YFC Volunteer

The goal of this team is to help those in urban youth ministry discover what the keys are to help an urban teen turn the corner to follow Jesus Christ into their adult life and begin to serve in an urban neigbhorhood themselves. 

After a lot of prayer, cofffe, twizzlers, post-it notes and excel spread sheets - we think we are getting somewhere.

I haven't been able to write about my perspective on the findings yet, but please take time to read Dr. Dave's Rahn's short blog entry about it.  This is the first fruits of our work - more to come! 

http://drrahnyfc.com/2011/11/06/fridays-research%e2%80%a6sundays-reflection/

Go to their mall/where they shop – Clothing and music are often very important cultural influences in the lives of urban youth.  Spending time understanding how their music effects their clothing choices or vice versa will help you understand a very important element of their life.  Finding out what they like and why they like it will mean a lot in your relationship even if you disagree with some of their choices in these categories.

Go to their corner store – The corner store is slice of life in the urban neighborhood.  You can learn a lot about community when you know the people who frequent the corner store and understand what and how they buy the items there.  This is also a great place to meet new kids as many youth come in and out all day to buy a gallon of milk for their mom or a bag of chips and a pop.

Go to their community center – The local community center can help you understand how adults are already investing in the lives of the youth in your neighborhood.  You will be able to meet new youth, see what activities are available to youth or support the community basketball team.  It would be a good idea when you first visit a community center to ask to speak to an adult in charge, introduce yourself and ask their permission to visit the community center. 

Go to their school – Sometimes the families of urban youth are disengaged with their education.  If you make a point to attend school functions:  talent shows, dances, concerts, games, and even guidance counselor meetings, you can show your support to the teen in a significant way.

Bottom line, make sure when you spend time with urban youth; you spend a lot of time doing what they want to do. You might really want to do a bible study with the urban youth or talk about the serious issues in their life or really get to mentor them.  You’ve heard the old adage “They’ve got to know that you care before they care what you know.”  It’s so true!  So, what do they want to do?  Paint nails?  Go to mall?  Play video games?  Listen to music?  Bake cookies?  Especially, during the first years of building a loving relationship with urban youth – you have to do those things too to communicate your love and to deeply understand their world.

What about you?  Where is the best spot you have found to spend time in the lives of urban youth?

Many of the un-churched youth we work with in the city are often biblically illiterate.  They will need time investment for significant spiritual training and influence. This can only happen over a number of teaching times per week over a period of years. We often get discouraged when an urban teen doesn’t change their life significantly in just one year of us knowing them.

Consider Jesus’ relationship with the disciples. Jesus invited them to live with him for three years from the beginning of his ministry until his death on the cross and resurrection.  They heard his teachings day-in and day-out, saw Jesus do amazing miracles and even performed miracles themselves.  Then in Mark 14, the disciples demonstrate their true maturity:

• Judas Betrays Jesus (v20)
• Disciples fall asleep 2 times during Jesus’ time of greatest need (v. 32-42)
• Peter cuts off an ear of a soldier (v 47)
• John runs away for fear of arrest (v 51-52)
• Peter disowns Jesus three times (v 66-72)
• The disciples scatter and leave Jesus to face trail alone

Most of our urban youth don’t have the same social or spiritual starting point as the disciples did, nor the same level of investment from us that Jesus poured into the disciples!  Yet because of our expectations, we can quickly become saddened by the choices a young urban believer makes even after 6 months of attending a bible study we are hosting once a week!

We need to keep these types of examples in our mind and hearts as we begin to influence urban youth spiritually.  This doesn’t mean we change scripture to make exceptions for urban youth to be in leadership or excuse their sin.  Instead, we need to have a stronger understanding of the spiritual starting point of our urban youth and how much relational time and effort it might take to develop them into leaders for their community. 

Our anecdotal findings suggest that it may take spending 10-12 hours per week for 5-10 years with an urban youth before they might be faithfully living out the characteristics of a relational spiritual leader and Christian servant.

While the task before us might seem daunting, the fruit is so worthwhile!  When you invest this significantly in the lives of urban youth, they become like family to you – much like Paul felt about the Thessalonians. 

1 Thessalonians 2:8
We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.

You might be thinking “Ten years, what a chore!” But remember, as you develop a deep love for your urban youth, this investment of intensive discipleship it isn’t a burden. What loving, Christian parent feels their children are a burden?  No indeed! Instead, the urban youth we love and develop relationship with become so dear to us, we want to see them develop in each phase of their life – from getting involved in their world in high school, learning about their families, helping them learn how to drive, getting their first job, graduating from high school (hopefully) into their adult life - marriage, kids!  Our love for them doesn’t end when they stop being teenagers.

Go to their home – By being in a young person’s house and spending time talking with their family, you can learn so much their life.  If you are dropping off or picking up a student for the first time make sure you take the time to get out of the car, introduce yourself to the parent or guardian and give them your phone number. 

You might say something like, “Hi.  I’m Tammy Walker and I wanted to introduce myself to you and make sure you have my phone number.  I’m part of Youth for Christ’s City Life program.  City Life is a program for teens that is a safe place and encourages them to make positive decisions in their life.  We also do our best to spend time with the youth outside the program to provide additional support to the youth.” 

You can usually tell if the parent is suspicious of outsiders because they will talk to you through a crack in the door or through a screen door instead of allowing the doors to be wide open.  Don’t consider this behavior rude!  Even though you think you look safe an approachable, many families in urban neighborhood are nervous about inviting other inside of their house for fear of robberies or people making calls to child protective services.  Just as you are allowing your relationship with the student to grow slowly over time, so will your relationship with their parents/guardians.

Other urban families will be very welcoming and want to invite you in to talk you about their teen.  If you get invited into the house say, “Yes!  I’d love to come in,” even if:

• You’re running late.  Urban youth ministry isn’t about being on time, but instead valuing people over programs.
• You’re feeling nervous.  Urban youth ministry isn’t about being safe, but instead trusting the Lord to help you build relationships with people who might be different than you.
• The house smells bad to you.  Urban youth ministry isn’t about keeping clean, but about getting in the spiritual mess and sometimes the physical ‘mess’ of other people’s life who live differently than you do.

Relax when you are in a students’ house.  If they offer you a drink, take it.  If they ask you to sit down for a while, go ahead and do it.  Relax your body and relax your face. 

If you see something the parents are doing “wrong” (e.g. being hyper-critical of the teen or yelling at the teen for a minor infraction), don’t point it out to them, just keep focused on getting to know and loving this family that is in front of you.

As you talk with the family, some of our negative stereotypes might be broken down as well: “Wow, this house is really clean!” or “Your grandma is very kind” or “This mom is really trying to talk to this teen, I wonder why the teen is so disrespectful?” 

Building a growing rapport with the parents or guardians of urban youth will not only benefit your understanding of the world of the urban youth – it will also help if the parents/guardians see you as a positive influence in their child’s life.

What about you?  Do you go into the place where your City Life teen lives?  What has that been like for you?

One of the most practical ways that you can begin to do this is to ask urban youth to join you in your world and in your family life.  So many urban youth are missing just the day-to-day life of adult’s world that cares about them and wants them to be around.

Here are some ideas that you can get them into your world:

• Hey, I’m working on my yard this weekend planting flowers, want to come over and help out?
• I’m about to swing by the grocery store to pick up a few things; do you want to go with me?
• This might sound boring, but I have to get my license renewed at the DMV, want to wait with me?  I can’t think of anyone I would rather be bored with!
• It’s family dinner night, want to come over for dinner and help me cook?
• I’m getting ready for City Life club tonight by going over to the school early to set up.  Want to come with me?

Crazy at it sounds, once you begin building a relationship with urban teens, they will most likely go anywhere with you – even to the DMV!  When you demonstrate that you want them around, even when you aren’t doing “the program,” it can speak volumes to them!!

Here are some questions that might put urban teens on the defensive:

What does your dad do? – Many urban youth don’t have a father and if they do have a father figure, the student may not like them or like them referred to as “Dad.”  Also, as the unemployment rate is higher in the city, many “Dads” are out of work.  

What does your mom do? – Similar to the dad question, an urban youth might live with a grandmother if their mom is addicted to drugs.  This questions cut right to the heart of the most painful rejection they have experienced in their life and they definitely wouldn’t want to talk about it with a stranger.

What grade are you in? – Depending on the city, the dropout rate in urban neighborhood can reach up to 70%.  Even if the student says they hate school, dropping out might be a place of shame for them.  Better to steer clear of this question until you KNOW that the student is in school.

Who do you live with? – If the teen has a less than conventional living situation (foster care, they got kicked out, they are living on a friend’s couch) this question seems more like it would come from Child Protective Services than it would be someone who is trying to get know them.

Where do you live? -  Unless you are actually driving the student home, this question can be taken as an invasion of their privacy.  People knowing where they live can make you vulnerable to pranks, theft or even being turned into the police.

Here are some questions that usually work with urban youth:

How was your day/week?
What’s it like over at your house?
What are you up to in life right now?
What’s your favorite radio station?  What do you like about it?
Is this neighborhood where you are from?

For guys:
Are you into sports?  Which is your favorite team?
Got a favorite funny you tube video?  What is it?

For gals:
Where do you get your hair/nails done?
Do you like to shop?  Where?
Do you have a favorite holiday?
If you had one more meal to eat – what would it be?

Often we want to get straight to the deep stuff or the tough stuff in their lives, “What’s hurting you?” or “How does it make you feel that don’t know your dad?” or “What are you hopes and your dreams?”  If you create the space to ask questions about the everyday things, those opportunities to ask the deeper questions will eventually unfold.